Pic: The ASO Hall of Shame 2014
ASO Reveal Up to Date Blacklist of Riders Abusing Hotel Minibars
In an act of desperation following a slew of complaints from team hotels along the route of the Tour de France, organisers ASO today published their blacklist compiling the worst offenders from all the teams and urged them to pay up or face stiff penalties.
Jean-Etienne Amaury, President of ASO told senior reporter Ocelot Gruber:
"This happens every year and we’re getting sick of having to allocate almost a fifth of our budget to cover the riders ripping the piss out of the hotel minibar.
Really, the teams should be held responsible but there seems to be an outdated loophole dating back to the days of the cafe raid that means the organisers pick up any outstanding bar tabs. For example, Andy Schleck has disappeared owing almost 63,000 euros for pringles, vodka miniatures and bloody marys, and Fabian Cancellara managed to put away almost ten gallons of Babycham that can only be purchased in single-glass bottles. C’est ridicule.
The only thing I can say is thank God Tom Boonen isn’t here this year; whenever we organise an event featuring both him at Sagan on the team roster we struggle to break even and normally have to pay to refit entire hotel suites because of the carnage that’s left.
Not only is it in economic issue however-we’ve had to add several products to the approved substances list because they’re found in popular hangover remedies and without them, we would lose half the peloton in the first week and be forced to endure the average race speed drop to 15km/h with regular stops at fast food emporiums.”
Unsurprisingly, the worst offenders this year correspond exactly to the list of retired riders, so it’s clear that this tradition is doing nobody any favours, leading ASO to pay a bounty hunter to drive around in an unmarked Renault Espace, dubbed the ‘Voiture des Déchirés,’ searching for the culprits in the hope of forcing them to pay up.
Pic: Checking out-riders take advantage of disorganised hotels to rinse their minibars and fuck off without paying before they wise up.
At time of current writing none of the riders have been apprehended or resurfaced, with rumours that several of them have clubbed together to go on an all-inclusive break at a Club-Med resort somewhere on Sardinia until it all blows over at the suggestion of unusually erratic sprinter Sacha Modolo, who himself has a bar tab more eclectic for the species of alcohol it contains than there are insects in a typical square kilometer of rainforest.
Pic: Shitfaced-40 degree heat and stages superior to 240km are the real Pro-cyclist’s favoured moments to get some quality boozing done.